its like coming back from the dead...

I just realized- (after some searching) that I do infact have a blog that I started 5 years ago.. 5 years! and that no one ever commented on it.. maybe thats why i stopped.. or because i busy? graduated high school- and realized i didn't want my thoughts all over the internet? or because i had gotten a myspace and facebook...? in anycase- Ive realized that i do infact need to get my thoughts out some how.. Im getting to full of presure from everything that bugs me.. :( today for instance was a really boring day work-done wise, but what i should have done didn't get done..*hear i start jumping into my bad day* and! I turned in a huge application for $3,000 scholarship without one of the letters of recomendation because i couldnt find anyone else to recomend me.. :-\ I've only ever had one realy 'boss' and that the one person i have a letter from. I have two from high school teachers- but in college, high school just seems weak and so long ago.. not sure i want to talk about today anymore- there are so many levels to how horrible ive been feeling- i even saw a commercial about depression testing so i went on WebMD to take a test- and it said i have multiple signs of 'major depression' seen in over 15million american adults, more frequent in women.. :( maybe i am..that would just complicate things, but everyone around me have been noticing, and i hate that im not as happy as usual- in the back of my mind i keep thinking "this is how the rest of my life is going to be like" sad and depressing- no hope and grey. just going day to day with no point.. so that leads me to faith- and 'that should be my direction in life' but the more i think about that, the more i think that i wont have the control i think i need. but also- i think god led me to change my major to do what he knew would make me happy- but im not finding the happy anymore. i think thats it for now.. im hookedon watching videos on youtube now.. thanks alot damon..ugh college.. thats not for here.. or is it?