another chapter

my really-really close friend (might as well be best) got engaged.

I am really happy for her! I didnt answer the phone when she called to tell me which i regret.. but I wasn't in any mood to be happy for anyone.. still can't help thinking all about myself which I cant stand!

my best friend gets engaged and all i can think about is how that is going to effect me.

what a horrible friend i am- not to have an out pouring of love and support and happiness for people that have the courage to pursue love at this crazy time.. And this- really makes me upset and worried about myself- more- its just a sick cycle revolving around me! and i hate it!

And on top of everything else its christmas! and i usually spend weeks getting together perfect presents and now- realizing that i dont actually have disposable income- cant get anyone anything more than a card. Im still asking for so much that i need (money mostly cause i cant get away from it and msu keeps demanding more) from everyone without having much to give in return which is usually my favorite part of christmas..

so my holiday- along with not to mention a lame bowl trip but a trip nonetheless- will only be a happy one on the outside that is if i can keep from crying all the time.which is ridiculous btw. i hate that too..
and you know what else? my whole body- hate it.. cant stand living in it.. my best feature- my hair i thought- is now, thanks to the effing medicine ive been taking to lose weight has also been secretly making my hair fall out.. i used to have really thick hair- not so. also my boobs- which i feel like should shrink with weightloss? have not- theyre starting to cause me back pain and make me look like a retard-or the mother of 5 children. they hang too low and make any nice shirt look horrible cause my boobs arnt where normal boobs should be.

so..

scratch that last...

bored as poop.. and nothing else to do but moap about how no one reads my blog.. :P and that i suck at trying to be friends with people or to avoid trying to like someone.. confusing but im way to good at it that it sucks..

and then.. it happened..

everything is ok.. even to lengths-awesome.

:)