Intoxication

boys are difficult things to work with..
well no- actually they (for the most part) are quite simple, except when you start to care about them.. then everything changes.
unfortunately i have no idea how to be friends with a guy without starting to care about him, which as you might imagine- is a living nightmare when it comes to just trying to relax. so i dont, or cant..
or-maybe..just maybe? im just waiting for one of the guys to actually send the love back? yeah- thats what im doing.. waiting. maybe forever. but im that stubborn. or stupid. or lazy. not to do anything else. Ive tried changing, but im stuck how i am now.. might lose/gain a few pounds here and there.. but this is me. and all i can do is wait. for some guy who likes- me.








I am not comforted by that




i need something else to assure me that i will be ok at the end of this college maddness.. im scarred- and dont think i'll make it on my own after this..even though i might seem tough sometimes- know what im doing.. im just hoping- praying- that i will be ok. for me- i really need to wait it out for the guy who will reassure me a thousand times that everything will be ok, that theres a plan, even after the current one will surely fail- and still be there a month later when im falling apart all over again to say the same things, and mean them. and really take care of me.. i dont think ive ever been 'taken care of' besides by my parents, mostly my mom that i can remember.. i think a guy that cares would satisfy more emotionally.. kind of a self esteem deal..



anyway- i know in my heart somewhere, i wont be able to live happily unless i have that- until death do we part... occupying my hands with work can only take my mind of my heart for so long, until it longs for more..

Dear Happy Keeper..

thanks for my day today- even though the my class this morning wasnt very good at all- and i didnt get but 3hrs sleep last night.. from about 12noon on everything went just fine :) it was Todd's bday today, i didnt get a chance to wish him a happy bday or celebrate with him (no harm done, just mixed communication) but thats ok :) and i had a nice sandwich for lunch from Owen and watched some history channel about WWII which always gets me excited for my trip! :) then got some work done on my drawing, realized i was getting a 2.5 in my IDES lecture class and am determined to ace the 5th exam/final. Band wasnt bad- im not going to say im a 'graduating from the band' senior, even though im about 89% sure I wont be coming back for another season because of living arragements and class schedules.. :-\ I just dont want to say goodbye so soon. but moving right along- we watched the video from the 'fiddler on the roof' show- it wasnt bad at all- the drill was amazing from up high!!  then squad leader auditions happened inside and ended. quite amusing :) walked back and had dinner at Shaw and the nice swiper lady let April use one of my meals so she could eat with us (Damon Tom Paul and I). we ate- and i was heckled by Marlon and Tony, and later Chad.. jobs! ;) Damon ended up licking the hot fudge off my icecream cone while i was still trying to eat it- and that was out sign to leave the caf.. lol we sat and waited for HOUSE to start at 8 and stayed in Damon and Tom's room watching their cute 7-8in TV instead of migrating to Kyle and Robert's room to watch on 50"+ .. oh well we had fun :) then i made my way to leave following April and Damon said i should stay and play some xbox game for awhile- in retrospect he probably just wanted me to stay because Tom's girlfriend was there and he was hoping Tom would come back soon so it wouldn't be weird.. but then again- hes known Erica for about as long as Tom had, so i dunno if it would be awkward.. oh well.. it was fun :D AND THEN i called Amanda to see how Todd's bday celebration went- no answer, called Kaycee but Anthony picked up!- it was good to talk to him after so long between hangout times. so we talked for a bit, teased Amanda and Kaycee a little, and later i called back to set the teasing right.. but all in all great day. and to top it all off- i come back to my place to find that Beth has left me a bday present on my computer. :} tyedye pillowcase that she made and didnt write on it so i could use it :) so thoughtful! it reminded me of simpler times when we were closer friends and in high school.. those were the days..

anyhow- this was meant to be a much shorter post.. but who cares- its not like im wasting paper

bad news..

I might be depressed again.. had a great day- doing almost nothing from 11-4pm.. but otherwise i just feel poopy.. :( very disconnected from people and find myself starting to hate people again.. :-\

Since last thursday...

I'm un-usually ok all of a sudden.. writing here might have actually worked.
Friday was productive. and Saturday wasn't as horrible as it could've been- the weather was amazing and the show went really well, and was home in Clarkston for dinner and celebrated my mom's bday early :) . Sunday was relaxed and great. And Monday was ok- test went ok in textiles, didn't go to drafting lecture, but that's was alright, and got an email from Madden that told us that there was not evening rehearsal that night and none on the Friday of this week! AND that also meant that I could watch HOUSE Monday night! so I did. Had to cancel going to dinner at Case with Amanda and Kaycee-sorry :-\ I had dinner with Genevieve at Snyder-Phillips (also with Damon, Tom and Robert). I hadn't seen Genevieve in over a week.. I miss seeing her every day.. :( like a lot.. her and Jessica both. :( well after having to accept the fact that we were finished with dinner and had to leave Genevieve to keep working on HW, we went back to Shaw and I watched some 'Smash' ;) and then had to convince the guys to turn on House at 8pm. Closely followed was a great Tuesday- didn't go to Interior Environments class at 8.. eh oh well- and then had a nice breakfast, showered and then went to the store for Beth- she got sick at work :( -then to drafting- introduced the last project before the final project. what a relief. then band- which went from 4:30-5:30. then back to Vanhoosen for dinner- chili sauce chicken yum :) and now waiting till Rachel T's bible study trip to insomnia cookies! :D in about 30mins.....so all in all I just havn't really been thinking about anything at all, which could be keeping my grounded? and I'm trying to find better ways to quietly keep up with my values/thoughts on how one should live on their own, it might be better that way for my roommates, because odds of my killing them might be less. I just know better for next time i hope.
Beth is reading her journal from high school time- and Im in a lot of them.. its weird to think about how i lived then without really thinking about college or life beyond that at all.. i wish that were always possible but im not sure if i would even be able to appreciate it now.. ya know? I'd proabably find a way to think about something-anything too much.. this was a random tangent- and i dont care about it that much enough to mention..hmm..
anywho- for now- im just thinkin about how i can get better grades than the already mind blowing change from last fall's 2.5 high. (right now i have about 3.6-3.7 average for this semester...) :)

so thats it- not to depressed which is great to realize :)

Well as it turns out...
Saturday wasnt that bad.. Friday was productive enough not to bring hw home..so all in all good past few days id say?

Some thoughts- but today wasn't that horrible

I woke up and wasn't as sick- musinex seems to be working! so thats good- and i got my CAD done on time! thats definately good.. but hopefully we're done with that file set because its getting way to huge for my computer to handle... anywho- went to drafting- got frustrated... i hate to draw! especially getting graded on it.. im no good and no matter how long i take on a project- it still looks messy :( i just have my own style and most of the time it works.. and its not like anyone elses. which eventually i think will pay off- only if people notice that there is quality beneath the mess... *lightbulb* i might be getting upset with drafting messy because i am so worried about keeping my stuff clean and my apartment clean.. yeah.. how do i fix that paradox?

ok so back to it- CAD, drafting, then the bike to band and that went relatively good! short, got let out early, didnt get killed by the flower osilate drill ;)  then dinner, talked some with kc and amanda, then stopped by at jessica and talked. hopefully get to take a look at the house soon. :) and now back at the apmt waiting for the office to come on at 9 :) im glad to be getting the chance to go home with weekend though, i really miss my dog, home.  Im worried about the game this weeknd though- whether I'll be healthy enough to safely make it thru the whole game day experiance.. its really taxing even when your not sick, i am dreading saturday.

i might be done for today..

p.s. im going to be using this as a tool for me more than anything else. a tool to see my thoughts and how my mood forms. so yeah- if you expected something else...im not really sorry.

Just checking to see if my mobile post actually post... TEST

its like coming back from the dead...

I just realized- (after some searching) that I do infact have a blog that I started 5 years ago.. 5 years! and that no one ever commented on it.. maybe thats why i stopped.. or because i busy? graduated high school- and realized i didn't want my thoughts all over the internet? or because i had gotten a myspace and facebook...? in anycase- Ive realized that i do infact need to get my thoughts out some how.. Im getting to full of presure from everything that bugs me.. :( today for instance was a really boring day work-done wise, but what i should have done didn't get done..*hear i start jumping into my bad day* and! I turned in a huge application for $3,000 scholarship without one of the letters of recomendation because i couldnt find anyone else to recomend me.. :-\ I've only ever had one realy 'boss' and that the one person i have a letter from. I have two from high school teachers- but in college, high school just seems weak and so long ago.. not sure i want to talk about today anymore- there are so many levels to how horrible ive been feeling- i even saw a commercial about depression testing so i went on WebMD to take a test- and it said i have multiple signs of 'major depression' seen in over 15million american adults, more frequent in women.. :( maybe i am..that would just complicate things, but everyone around me have been noticing, and i hate that im not as happy as usual- in the back of my mind i keep thinking "this is how the rest of my life is going to be like" sad and depressing- no hope and grey. just going day to day with no point.. so that leads me to faith- and 'that should be my direction in life' but the more i think about that, the more i think that i wont have the control i think i need. but also- i think god led me to change my major to do what he knew would make me happy- but im not finding the happy anymore. i think thats it for now.. im hookedon watching videos on youtube now.. thanks alot damon..ugh college.. thats not for here.. or is it?