a year later and new worries and reasons to celebrate

has it been that long?! a year gone and i enter another post into my personal blog...
but lets check in at what i was stressed about last year...

project 3
final paper gsah230
exam bs111
exam ec201
2 assignements for CAD
moving out
completing oncampus portion of study abroad trip
packing for study abroad
beth's shower
finding out about interior design
going to europe
beth's bachlorette party
beth's wedding
moving into house next year
finding money to pay for school (from u.c.)
maybe buying a moped?
survuving the next 2 years of school....


well.. lets see... everything except surviving i passed thru with flying colors.. :) now being a proud Junior in the Interior Design program :) sometimes i forget how lucky i was and maybe even how talented i might be by just getting into the program without any pervious knowledge.. maybe i do have a knack for it after all.. :) that makes me happy when i get down on myself about school- 'i must know something or else i wouldnt have gotten in.. right?'
anyway- also new for this year i am living really off campus, about a mile away. this distance isnt that bad- its nice to get away- but i really need to learn how to pick better roomates.. this girl is really killing me. its mostly manners and clean living that really makes me hard to live with i think.. if you dont respect what i know to be kind and courteous, there will be a storm of silent treatment coming your way (which i know is the wrong way to handle anything but i cant help it) BUT on a brighter note! next year's living arrangements i may have finally gotten it right :) living in the same apartment complex as last year but with my two closest friends at school. we've been close ever since high school and i do hope that we stay close forever cause we just seem to work great together. just even each other out. and its something i really need and im so grateful that they put up with me cause i dont know if i could keep going without them here supporting me. enough mushy stuff- but really we're all really excited about next year and cant wait to have our friends over (which is nice cause, we all have the same core group of friends.. so there shouldnt be any conflicts there..). im just so relieved and relaxed when i think about it cause i completely trust them and i havnt felt that way in a long time....
lets see.. school, living.. money!
well thankfully i spoke more with my uncle and he informed me that my parents (because of how much they love me) didnt want him to just give me the money for the rest of college ... i knew i shouldnt have said anything.. but anyways i understand why they felt that way and so did he. which is why he came up with a differant proposal for me to still pay for school but still have some sort of consequence for taking a loan. but what he proposed and what i agreed to works differently from a loan. he gives me the money to pay for school and other expenses until graduation or until i gain a job. i do not owe him any money until a have a job that i am doing what i want to do. this allows me to take the unpaid internships and experience i need in order to reach my goal (which i still need to figure out :-\) but at the point where i do start making money, i agreed to paid my uncle a portion of my yearly earnings for the remainder of my working life. thus not having the obligation to pay more than i am making (which is usually the case with loans). this has set a lot of worries in my mind at rest which makes focusing on school and project a heck of a lot easier.. which is just another thing i am thankful for in my life.
well i should be filling out internship applications right now.. :-\ so ill be sure to write again soon to recap on some other happenings of this past year :)

I wanna go home

summer seems too far away. but im remmebering the fall when i coulnt wait for this summer to come- mostly so i could go to europe.. ive had my pre trip meeting and im really excited but nervous about the other students going.. im afriad that all they will do in the down time is go out and party and drink like crazy, and i dont want to see that part of europe, id rather get up early the next morning and get in line to see the effel tower or see the tower of london.. or something! not drink and meet strangers.. anyhow..
im even more nervous about my application to junior status as an interior design major- i wont find out until right before i leave for europe, and i cant see myself enjoying myself there if i know i didnt get into my major without a back up plan.. and i dont have one, because that was my backup already- im already 3 years into this whole college thing with 2 more planned for interior design, and i dont thing i could change majors again.. i just need some security that God will hold this decision in his hands and make sure that i get in.. but i know i wont get any proof..
im just so nervous about everything going on around me.. also it looks like im skipping my period this month :-\ i was supposed to get it around the first week of april and here it is 3 weeks later and nothing. probably stress? it seems like it effects me more than other people. I can feel stress, physically in the form of tense muscles in my shoulders and neck.. and its just hurts! and theres nothing that will make it go away until whatever im worried about passes or is resolved, then it ebbs away.

well i guess thats enough for now..
but heres a fun list of this that i have to face in the near future
project 3
final paper gsah230
exam bs111
exam ec201
2 assignements for CAD
moving out
completing oncampus portion of study abroad trip
packing for study abroad
beth's shower
finding out about interior design
going to europe
beth's bachlorette party
beth's wedding
moving into house next year
finding money to pay for school (from u.c.)
maybe buying a moped?
survuving the next 2 years of school....

and scene.

wisdom from uncle carl

well i went over to my uncle's house just to hang out and talk like we usually did when he had time to do stuff when he came home.. but it seems like since hes moved in across the street less than 5 yrs ago, we havnt said barely 10 words to each other..

but thankfully he hasnt lost faith in me, and i am so grateful for that.

"dont expect too much from yourself" basically if you think something is going to take 2 hours to complete- give yourself 4 or 6. knowing that it will never actually take only 2 hours, but also not knowing what the heck would occupy the other 2-4 hours alotted, but that doesnt matter- because having that cushion makes you more relaxed and safe.
this also applies to money matters- in not wanting. period. well yes you can want, but want when its well within your means. example: you want something- costs $10 but you only have 50 in your bank account. it wouldnt be the best idea to buy it at that time.. but- if you had $1000 (to be safe) in your account- then it would be ok to buy that $10 thing- but that is not how the mind works idealy does it? when we have that $1000, we no longer want the $10 thing because now we could potentially buy something worth up to $1000! but if we master the skill of only wanting within 10% of what we have available- the other 90% serves as a cushion and safety net that protects us. and that is nearly the secret to financial and concurrently physiological and psychological rest and peace.
dont worry about what is happening now too much- try to remove yourself from your life and thought and rise above by 50 years and think about how you would make that decision being 70 years old- after having lived a long and happy life- how would you make decisions you are making right now?

hmm well thats about how much i care to put into writing but I hope i have the pleasure of hearing it over and over again as uncle carl and i return to our once close relationship.

:)

sleep problems

so every night i go to bed,  not really tired, but know i need to sleep- and then wake up 2 hours before i need to wake up.. no matter what time i go to bed, i always wake up 2 hours before i wake up.. i dont get it.. some thing must be making me up.. and i wake up completely awake, but when i try to go back to sleep and let my alarm wake me up again- i wake really tired and out of sorts..
:(
hopefully spring break will help with this..
along with the rash on my arm..

Im just to far, from where you are, i wanna go home.
Let me go home......ive had my run, baby im done, just let me come home..
I miss you, ya know..

Orianthi : According To You Lyrics

According to you
Im stupid
Im useless
I cant do anything right
According to you
Im difficult
hard to please
forever changing my mind
Im a mess in a dress
cant show up on time
even if it would save my life
According to you, according to you

But according to him
Im beautiful
incredible
he cant get me out of his head
According to him
Im funny
irresistable
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I dont feel like stopping it
so baby tell what i got to lose
Hes into me for everything Im not according to you

According to you
Im boring
Im moody
and you cant take me any place
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away
Im the girl with the worst attention span
youre the boy who puts up with that
According to you, according to you


But according to him
Im beautiful
incredible
he cant get me out of his head
According to him
Im funny
irresistable
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I dont feel like stopping it
so baby tell what i got to lose
Hes into me for everything Im not
according to you

I need to feel appreciated
like Im not hated. oh no
Why cant you see me through his eyes?
Its too bad your making me decide.

But according to me
youre stupid
youre useless
you cant do anything right
But according to him
Im beautiful
incredible
he cant get me out of his head
According to him
Im funny
irresistable
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I dont feel like stopping it
baby tell what i got to lose
Hes into me for everything Im not
according to you
you you
according to you
you you

According to you
Im stupid
Im useless
I cant do anything right.

taking a somber turn

uncle jimmy died yesterday.

i cant go home for any of the arrangements because i have too much i need to stay and do at school.
i wish i could go home to support my family, but it would be more like my family supporting me like always.
im just sad for my grandparents- theyve lost so many people in the last few years, great grandma, aunt joanie, and now uncle jimmy.. i hope they dont start feeing guilty about living so long- because i like having them here,  because i need them around. :(
im going to miss him. we didnt see him much but when we did i loved every minute of it. he always made me cry at thanksgiving when he said a the prayer before dinner, and he loved playing games with us, cards or whatever. and love god so much. and i remember when he gave us a recipe for coca-cola cake, he said it made the cake so delicious. we never made it. now i really want to.
i never thought of him as old. he was so timeless to me.  he went in and out of the hospital for most of his life with complications of being paralized fromt he waist down in his late 30s. the doctors that treated him loved him, said he was a miricle and they visited him long after the treatment was carried out. my grandpa told us once that a doctor even used my uncle case as means to write a paper and presented it at a conference~! :)
he was a miricle and made everyone he talked to smile. he wouldnt miss a day calling my grandma to say hi and updating her on his life/condition. im going to miss, and im sure she is going to miss those phone calls.

im kind of glad i cant go home- because i dont like the idea of him being gone.